Few days since I could be bothered to write anything, so apologies to all the figments of my imagination out there who probably don’t read this.
Dunedin is staying true to from; Winter is coming. Getting greyer and colder and wetter; more excuses to drink tea (as if any is ever necessary?)
My best friend, who I’m lucky enough to live with, is going away for three weeks, starting Friday. Pretty intense shit, he’s visiting North Korea, China and Russia. Nothing more relaxing then being followed for four days by a guide with a gun to your back, right? But anyway, going to miss him.
The flat is lovely, I think I actually might love everybody in it in their own way. Compared to last year, it’s as close to heaven as I can imagine. Genuinely wanted to shoot myself by the end of 2012, but things are incredibly positive at this point.
I had a beautiful experience the other day which has been on my mind. It was getting dark, the rain was falling lightly and I felt a huge compulsion to go to the beach and watch the sunset. I sat there for maybe half and hour, hiding my shoulders under a towel as it got colder and windier and darker, fading from aquamarine to that stormy grey which must really be the most beautiful colour in the world. Letting the rain drench me was wonderful.
I had a thought, one of the more lovely one’s in my memory, that we are truly and utterly alone in the best way imaginable. We are born alone, we think alone, we die alone. Now, usually this sort of thought really brings me down…and far more often than I like to be honest; not this time. I came to the realisation that life isn’t about reaching something, and it’s not about collecting memories and experiences. Those are just things that will be lost when you’re dead, like everything. The beauty of being alive, at least in that moment was the appreciation of having the opportunity to just….be. To exist. I got the chance to exist and the best moments are those when you realise you are you.
It’s an idea I’ve been trying to refine for a while but which has always strayed towards the negative; but not this time. It just took the rain and throwing myself into the stormy ocean to wash away all the other bullshit I throw up.