A strange few days; feels like so much has happened; like so much has changed, but maybe it was just all internal. I have a tendency too over-think, so perhaps it’s just that.
For one, recent discussions with somebody are helping me come to terms with certain aspects of myself; perhaps, certain blockades to true inner peace. Mostly, I feel he spouts a load of bullshit, with the occasional moment of clarity; but even a broken clock is right twice a day, right?
Without revealing too much, I know I could afford to talk less. In some ways, it’s a suit of armour; it lets make take anything poignant which might penetrate and deflect it away with a wall of words which, ultimately, give people little true insight into what’s going on beneath the surface. The recent suicide of a student just a few streets away has made this point weigh on my mind quite heavily; we only see the façade Really, what we present to the world, and what others present to us, is more often than not an oh-so-carefully constructed mask which gives just enough to let them know we’re human, but conceals everything we don’t want people to see (most of all ourselves). If they don’t see the cracks they can’t ask about them, and if they can’t ask about them then nobody ever has to admit they exist.
Except they do exist, whether we admit it or not, and ultimately, it’s something I feel needs to change fundamentally about the way we interact as humans. I don’t know how we can change it….but I know it needs to change. Which pretty much means you can file this under “rant” in your bullshit box.
Tonight was Earth Night, apparently; what better excuse to break out the candles and another couple of bottles of wine? Myself and a few friends got rugged up and headed out round the peninsula to sit on the beach, watch the lights/stars and contemplate the universe; the fact that it was the world’s stoniest and most uncomfortable beach didn’t deter us. In any case, it was much too dark to be picky.
We talked about love and destiny and relationships and personality. I cornily made us all say things we were thankful to Earth about, heh. Mine was solitude, and the feeling of happy insignificance that the power of nature let’s us come to terms with. The other’s were good too; the power of the ocean, the timelessness of everything on Earth, an appreciation of how, for example, this rock we are sitting on went through a millennia of creation, and by fate found itself on this shore, by this ocean, at this time, so that we might sit on it. Overall, just damn good shit.
Oh, we also started giving everybody (stereotyped) Native American names, based on who they are. Lucy was Laughs with the Light, Jess was Sits like a Star, Gemma was Lover of All, Tengo was Face to the Water, and I don’t think anybody came up with one for me. mostly since when I say ‘we’ I mean ‘me’, and I was talking too much, like usual.
Overall it was quite a lovely experience. I miss it already. having said that, sitting here, it was another occasion where I managed to say everything in the world except exactly what I wanted to say, to who I wanted to say it to. Typical.
So now I sleep, with the neighbours singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ in between repeats of ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’, or whatever it’s called. Kill me.