The worst thing about the past five or six years has been watching everybody around me struggle and not being able to do a fucking thing about it.
Up until a couple of months ago, I’d been in a relationship that had lasted about five years. Just how much I had changed and adapted to suit this girl seems scary now, in the cold light of day. But I’m not here to talk about that story, rather about how the most difficult part of our being together was her semi-constant unhappiness and me feeling totally powerless to change it. I blamed myself so much, even when it wasn’t me that was causing it; at points, I was a young, inexperienced teen, and all I could think was, “If I were better she’d be happy, right?”
But I was wrong, and sometimes there just is nothing you can “do” to fix things for people. It’s just the most terrible, hollowing realisation, but it’s true. I’m a person who really champion’s the people I love; i fight for them, defend them, protect them, and to use a beautiful lyric from Trampled by Turtles, “Their enemies are mine.”
However, I’m very much realising that while this sort of love and loyalty is a valuable thing, it also sets you on an emotional hiding to nothing. Right now I have a friend enduring the sort of thing that just makes me wish a flood would wipe humans off the planet; total brutalising injustice. I just want to be able to do something for her to make it better, to somehow fix things, but I can’t, and anything I say or do falls so wildly short of the mark that it verges on insulting the seriousness of what she’s feeling.
I talked to somebody about this feeling of helplessness and got pretty much exactly the advice I expected, “Just be there for them.” How exactly you can “be there” for someone is really a circular idea if you can’t help them when you know they need it. Anything you say is irrelevant and useless and it just fucking tears you up inside that you’re not good enough to make things better.
For self-preservation, I’d like to say to everybody in my life who I love, whether you know I do or not, that I’m thinking about you all the time, and if I could bear it all for you, it would already be done.
Anyway, that’s what’s crept back into my mind in the last couple of days. I wonder if it’s just me.
On a different note, I got my lip pierced. Neat-o.