Expiration Dating

Sunset from my trip back home. Worthy. The Earth’s not that big…right?

 

Another relationship-based post, and I’m sorry if they’re becoming a theme. I do know it can get a bit dull, so expect something far more interesting/creative/insertadjectivehere in the near future.

Just a little over a week ago, on my birthday, I met somebody. This was quite an exciting moment for me; it’s not that I’m “shy”, but I tend to not really initiate contact with people if I’m attracted to them. What was great is I saw her arrive at the party, wished badly I could walk up and talk to her, but I didn’t. Fortunately, she came and introduced herself later on and we spent most of the rest of the night talking.

I asked her for her number and she said yes. Score. A couple of days later, we went on a “date,” and it was good. Date is one of those stupid words which have no reason to exist; two people spending time together is exactly what it sounds like; you don’t need to slap it with a label to make the dynamic entirely unnatural. In any case, it’s been such a long time since I did anything like that, a date so to speak, that I was nervous enough as it was.

Overall we seemed to have a good time. Strikingly, she turned out to be an entirely different person to who I imagined she would be; the most notable being that she was really philosophical and thought-provoking. Needless to say, I was pretty amped.

So we’ve hung out a couple more times, totally casually which is perfect. Like I said, I think slapping labels on things completely over complicates the situation. The problem is, she’s going home really soon, and has suggested that she doesn’t really want to get into “this situation.” Oh, at this point I should probably highlight that her home is roughly twelve-thousand miles from mine. We’ve talked, and things have been relatively open and communicative, which is good. The word “dating” has been dropped a few times, to my horror; it simply makes it impossible to get to know people authentically with that hanging over the whole interaction.

So basically, I’m hoping she won’t let worries about leaving get in the way of getting to know each other, but ultimately I can see where such a fear would come from. Knowing that pretty much no matter what happens, she’ll be gone soon…it makes you think differently about things. Recently, I’ve been pretty fatalistic, so I’d still like to give things a go, whatever that “thing” may be. It’s hard though, knowing there is an expiration date on things. My flatmate had a similar experience when he exchanged to Germany, several years ago; his advice has been helpful, but ultimately I’m struggling to get the whole thing off my mind.

I could probably read into every little interaction to ridiculous depth (a bad habit of mine), but I’m trying to break that mould. What it comes down to I think is, ultimately, I’m going to get hurt either way. If she vetoes the whole thing and we don’t hang out anymore, it’s gonna suck a lot, and if we get closer and she then leaves, its going to suck a lot too (more/less depending on one’s point of view). Basically I’m on a hiding to nothing, but I know exactly which path I’d rather take.

Humans are incredibly strange creatures; how so many times we would rather miss an opportunity than take it and end up losing it. Hopefully going hiking/camping this weekend; I could really use it clear my head out.

I’ll finish you off with some music. I think I mentioned the other day, I’m getting into electronic music a lot more at the moment and this is, ironically, a duo she’s introduced me too.

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The Week That Was + stream of consciousness.

So it’s been a fair long time since I wrote anything; apologies.

I really needed to go home for a few days; things had gotten very stale, I was agitated and getting volatile. I’m starting to notice a theme in myself in which I start out contented or even extremely positive with things, but after a while the rose-tint fades rapidly. Things were getting pretty washed with black.

I ran into my old girlfriend while I was home; it was extremely awkward. Long story short, her and her sister ignored me totally, then left because they couldn’t handle being in the same venue. We were together for some time, thought we loved each other. Somewhere along the way things got toxic (but subtly so) and, obviously, we called it quits at the start of the year. We haven’t spoken since the breakup, which has been strange. Personally, it’s not that I still harbour feeling at all, I just feel that ignoring even my very civil requests (asking for stuff back/old photographs ect) has really cast a cloud over the entire memory. What was in truth a beautiful and special relationship now feels quite horrid; coming to terms with not being worth a “hi” in the cafe we saw each other….its been strange.

But that’s well in the past now, just thought it was something worth sharing. It’s done away with a lot of my naivety about “certainty”; for example, I was totally convinced that relationship was the real deal. Ultimately, nothing at all is ever certain. There’s a scariness to that, but there’s also a beauty. Your life is yours to do whatever you wish with it.

I hung out with a very good friend in Auckland; the girl who visited me in Dunedin; had a really lovely time. Missing home a bit now and hoping things are going well for her and everybody else. Subsequently, I’ve turned 22 (must remember to update my bio), and my birthday was pretty good. I don’t usually make a big deal out of birthdays, so it was convenient that a friend was having a party on the same night; got to have some fun without it being arbitrarily about me, you know? Also, I met a cool girl that night and we went on a date which was a lot of fun. Pretty sure I managed to get drunk in the evening and screw things up, but we are meeting up tomorrow so we’ll see how things go. She’s teaching me piano and with any luck on Friday taking me Salsa dancing (omfg I will die). It will be a good thing though, for me to take things less seriously.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at right now; need to write frequently to keep the flow going. Might be going camping in the next couple of weeks which will be fun. Also, been watching a lot of George Carlin so expect one million political ideas int he coming blogs.