Another relationship-based post, and I’m sorry if they’re becoming a theme. I do know it can get a bit dull, so expect something far more interesting/creative/insertadjectivehere in the near future.
Just a little over a week ago, on my birthday, I met somebody. This was quite an exciting moment for me; it’s not that I’m “shy”, but I tend to not really initiate contact with people if I’m attracted to them. What was great is I saw her arrive at the party, wished badly I could walk up and talk to her, but I didn’t. Fortunately, she came and introduced herself later on and we spent most of the rest of the night talking.
I asked her for her number and she said yes. Score. A couple of days later, we went on a “date,” and it was good. Date is one of those stupid words which have no reason to exist; two people spending time together is exactly what it sounds like; you don’t need to slap it with a label to make the dynamic entirely unnatural. In any case, it’s been such a long time since I did anything like that, a date so to speak, that I was nervous enough as it was.
Overall we seemed to have a good time. Strikingly, she turned out to be an entirely different person to who I imagined she would be; the most notable being that she was really philosophical and thought-provoking. Needless to say, I was pretty amped.
So we’ve hung out a couple more times, totally casually which is perfect. Like I said, I think slapping labels on things completely over complicates the situation. The problem is, she’s going home really soon, and has suggested that she doesn’t really want to get into “this situation.” Oh, at this point I should probably highlight that her home is roughly twelve-thousand miles from mine. We’ve talked, and things have been relatively open and communicative, which is good. The word “dating” has been dropped a few times, to my horror; it simply makes it impossible to get to know people authentically with that hanging over the whole interaction.
So basically, I’m hoping she won’t let worries about leaving get in the way of getting to know each other, but ultimately I can see where such a fear would come from. Knowing that pretty much no matter what happens, she’ll be gone soon…it makes you think differently about things. Recently, I’ve been pretty fatalistic, so I’d still like to give things a go, whatever that “thing” may be. It’s hard though, knowing there is an expiration date on things. My flatmate had a similar experience when he exchanged to Germany, several years ago; his advice has been helpful, but ultimately I’m struggling to get the whole thing off my mind.
I could probably read into every little interaction to ridiculous depth (a bad habit of mine), but I’m trying to break that mould. What it comes down to I think is, ultimately, I’m going to get hurt either way. If she vetoes the whole thing and we don’t hang out anymore, it’s gonna suck a lot, and if we get closer and she then leaves, its going to suck a lot too (more/less depending on one’s point of view). Basically I’m on a hiding to nothing, but I know exactly which path I’d rather take.
Humans are incredibly strange creatures; how so many times we would rather miss an opportunity than take it and end up losing it. Hopefully going hiking/camping this weekend; I could really use it clear my head out.
I’ll finish you off with some music. I think I mentioned the other day, I’m getting into electronic music a lot more at the moment and this is, ironically, a duo she’s introduced me too.