Keep Moving

IMG_1478

Above is the first thing I ever sewed. I was very young and my grandmother, who loves to make quilts, was teaching me how to sew. A couple of days ago I found it in a drawer and a lot of memories came back; I put it in a place in my room where everyone who goes in (which is nobody I guess) can see it. I hope I can hold onto it for a very long time.

Yesterday was day 1; I actually made it to all my classes (even the one at 9am) which is a miracle. They were even more boring and exhausting than I remember and I don’t think I’ve ever been surer that there is no place in law for me, especially not the legal profession.

It’s beautiful and sunny, but cold. A friend who is down from Auckland and I had coffee and a good talk. I’m pretty much dead broke because of all my car troubles recently (engine/key barrel/tyre puncture problem all in the space of a week) as well as paying back some money I owed my brother so cash is non-existent and food is really tight. Yesterday I had to go to the Student Association and ask if they could help me out, which they did (thanks so much OUSA you guys are great) and so at least I won’t be starving this week.

My mood is really meh which I’m not happy about because I’ve been so on top recently. I noticed today I was listening to a song which I think I haven’t listened too in about a year. There must be something about it when I feel a certain fear/stress emotionally.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRP6egIEABk]

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come out with a fail-safe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us

I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it’s already too late

And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town again in my life

I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it’s darkest before the sun rises
We’re pretty sure they’re all wrong

I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn’t over
And I hope you blink before I do
And I hope I never get sober

And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can’t find one good thing to say
And I’d hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You’d stay the hell out of my way

I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand

And I hope you die
I hope we both die

Unfortunately I didn’t manage to catch up with a good friend of mine in Auckland, despite our best efforts, however we talked a bit the other day and he told me about his recent interest in the philosophy of Bushido. Basically, he summarised it to me as the idea that every thing you do, you must try to do in a state of focus and awareness. It seemed to parallel the idea of mindfulness of all things, at least in my eyes. He then said, “How and what you are doing at the moment of your death will define your entire life.” I don’t this is meant to be taken literally (ie, you’d better not sit down and do nothing or you’re being a lazy shit) but prefer to apply it to the state of mind in each thing you do. If you can focus yourself on each thing around you or each thing you do, in a meditative way, you can be at inner peace through awareness and acceptance of the universe. Strive to achieve this in all things and the moment of your death will not be one which induces fear, but defines the manner in which you lived as one of tranquillity.

Moving on. I need to stay active and stay invigorated; obviously I really have to study, but I don’t want to forget how important it is to me that I keep having fun, learning new things, doing new things and being at peace. I don’t want to get beaten down and forget where I am right now. Today I will go out and enjoy the sunshine, maybe go to the beach even (cooooold). My flatmate wants to go camping, and we met some exchange students last night who seemed keen. I’m not really feeling it but I know I should jsut say yes to the opportunity so maybe I will. Except we’ll probably all freeze to death.

Talk soon. Be peaceful and mindful (I’ll try join you in that advice too).

Missing Auckland.

Missing Auckland.

Advertisements

Back Home.

IMG_1137

It feels like a long time since I’ve been here; in fact, I almost think I was avoiding Auckland a little bit.

The weather is beautiful and warm, such a welcome change from what’s been happening down south. Really, I’m having a very good time, and am very happy. Maybe it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself I’m happy, but no, I really am. Lots of friends have been calling and wanting to see me, and being very excited which is great; I’ve usually found Auckland pretty lonely since I moved away.

Went to a party last night which was nice, and some of us ended up back at my place for a drink. Met some cool people, but I have to say, I feel a totally different person to who I was when I lived here, and subsequently my old friends are very different to me now. I feel so much more open minded and accepting than I used to be, and also so much more confident in myself. I feel I have nothing to prove and no need to justify myself to anybody. It’s funny, probably every person in the room has their shit together more than me, but I felt like the only one who was truly myself and accepting of everything and everyone around me. I also really feel no fear about the future; I know it’s a mystery and I’m lost but I have no fear of failure because I view my life as something to be lived, not a means to an end.

Murphy’s law, there’s an inundation of girls who want to get together, but I really just don’t feel interested at all. My mind is still with somebody else, and I still feel that I belong to somebody else at the moment; it will fade I’m sure, but that makes me sad, too. Also, I’m just totally not into the girls up here, generally. I feel like I’ve been with somebody so totally different to these people; a girl who never wore make-up, never brushed her hair, scarcely showered, wore whatever she could find on the floor that day, and was unbelievably beautiful to me. We were the same, whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing! Having said that, it’s great to keep in touch as friends.

But anyway, enough about trivial things like that. A couple of friends and I are going to this thing tonight called the Odyssey Maze (http://odysseysensorymaze.co.nz/) which looks like it might be very cool. I love trippy/creepy things.

Walked in the beautiful sunshine for most of the day, found myself dancing in the street a lot which was great. Really….I’ve had a fucking good day. I think I needed one.

Listening to this allllll day, hope you enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEYM2iCQ6yA

Going South.

Bluff, NZ.

Bluff, NZ.

Finally I’ve reached the very bottom of New Zealand (I lie, not quite the bottom, but close enough…)

Myself and two friends met in Invercargill at a quirky little backpackers know as Sparky’s. Decorated with the most bizarre asortment of trinkets and knick-knacks, I quickly became suspicious as to where the owner’s nickname as “Sparky” had originated form. Between his love of the notorious weed-hotspot Byron Bay, his vacant expression, collection of exotic paraphernalia, and general paranoia with everything, I formulated some idea. Whilst he seemed mostly kind and harmless, after a few days I decided things were getting weird; his belief that 9-11 was an inside job by the US Government was one thing, but threatening to kick me out for cracking my knuckles was a bit much.

The place itself was very cool and cute, with only a few rooms and a really fun vibe; it even had a spa pool out the back which was heaven in the Invercargill cold. Now that I’m writing about it, we really didn’t get up to much, but it was a good time nonetheless; played cards, drank coffee, baked cakes, got drunk in the spa. All good things.

Sparky's Lounge.

Sparky’s Lounge.

IMG_1446

Bedroom.

The trip to Bluff was…meh. Really, there’s very little there, and it was little more than a novelty. Still, it’s a cool thing to have done and I’m glad I had the opportunity to travel that far south. We found a really cool beach near Invercargill and endured a midwinter swim in the freezing water which was near fatal to my toes, but a welcome shock to the senses.

IMG_1466

A tire puncture cut the Catlins trip pretty short, so I’ll definitely have to go back some time to see more. Still, it seemed sublime, and I’m glad we got there long enough to wet my appetite for more.

So, back in Dunedin, but only temporary, tomorrow I fly home to Auckland for the first time in ages. Recently returned from Wellington with my (then) girlfriend as a goodbye trip before she went home to France, so quite a bit of moving around recently. The Wellington trip was bitter-sweet; I miss her but that’s okay, I’m still happy! We cut a pretty sorry sight crying on each other’s shoulders at the airport.

A bientot.

IMG_1465

Expiration Dating

Sunset from my trip back home. Worthy. The Earth’s not that big…right?

 

Another relationship-based post, and I’m sorry if they’re becoming a theme. I do know it can get a bit dull, so expect something far more interesting/creative/insertadjectivehere in the near future.

Just a little over a week ago, on my birthday, I met somebody. This was quite an exciting moment for me; it’s not that I’m “shy”, but I tend to not really initiate contact with people if I’m attracted to them. What was great is I saw her arrive at the party, wished badly I could walk up and talk to her, but I didn’t. Fortunately, she came and introduced herself later on and we spent most of the rest of the night talking.

I asked her for her number and she said yes. Score. A couple of days later, we went on a “date,” and it was good. Date is one of those stupid words which have no reason to exist; two people spending time together is exactly what it sounds like; you don’t need to slap it with a label to make the dynamic entirely unnatural. In any case, it’s been such a long time since I did anything like that, a date so to speak, that I was nervous enough as it was.

Overall we seemed to have a good time. Strikingly, she turned out to be an entirely different person to who I imagined she would be; the most notable being that she was really philosophical and thought-provoking. Needless to say, I was pretty amped.

So we’ve hung out a couple more times, totally casually which is perfect. Like I said, I think slapping labels on things completely over complicates the situation. The problem is, she’s going home really soon, and has suggested that she doesn’t really want to get into “this situation.” Oh, at this point I should probably highlight that her home is roughly twelve-thousand miles from mine. We’ve talked, and things have been relatively open and communicative, which is good. The word “dating” has been dropped a few times, to my horror; it simply makes it impossible to get to know people authentically with that hanging over the whole interaction.

So basically, I’m hoping she won’t let worries about leaving get in the way of getting to know each other, but ultimately I can see where such a fear would come from. Knowing that pretty much no matter what happens, she’ll be gone soon…it makes you think differently about things. Recently, I’ve been pretty fatalistic, so I’d still like to give things a go, whatever that “thing” may be. It’s hard though, knowing there is an expiration date on things. My flatmate had a similar experience when he exchanged to Germany, several years ago; his advice has been helpful, but ultimately I’m struggling to get the whole thing off my mind.

I could probably read into every little interaction to ridiculous depth (a bad habit of mine), but I’m trying to break that mould. What it comes down to I think is, ultimately, I’m going to get hurt either way. If she vetoes the whole thing and we don’t hang out anymore, it’s gonna suck a lot, and if we get closer and she then leaves, its going to suck a lot too (more/less depending on one’s point of view). Basically I’m on a hiding to nothing, but I know exactly which path I’d rather take.

Humans are incredibly strange creatures; how so many times we would rather miss an opportunity than take it and end up losing it. Hopefully going hiking/camping this weekend; I could really use it clear my head out.

I’ll finish you off with some music. I think I mentioned the other day, I’m getting into electronic music a lot more at the moment and this is, ironically, a duo she’s introduced me too.