Attached.

Mum! Holding Big Ted, the horse Bridge and I rode.

Mum! Holding Big Ted, the horse Bridge and I rode.

I’m back from Auckland again. Travelling too and from the city turned out to be very difficult physically, but it’s emotionally that I’m feeling very attached and all I want is to go back. Which is not good.

I missed my flight by about 5 minutes, so they stuck me on a later and crappier one through Wellington for free. This, however, turned out to be delayed by around an hour. By the time we were in the air for 45 minutes, they found me and told me that my connecting flight from Wellington had left without me due to the delay….okay, my own fault I guess. Once in Wellington they found me as I came off the plane and gave me a boarding pass to a new plane leaving at 9pm. This was then cancelled and I was issued with a new flight at 9.30. Of course, as I waited this flight was updated as being delayed, and I finally got in the air at 10pm. Bearing in mind, my original flight had been at 5.10, arriving at 6.50. Therefore, I left for Dunedin airport at around 4.30, and got to Auckland at 11pm. Great fun!

In Auckland I caught up with friends; Matt and Eddy who live just round the corner and I’ve known since high school, a few new people, and Bridget, the girl I met on my first trip back a few weeks ago. It was a good time. One thing I noticed is that people seem to be seeking me out for advice and wisdom; I don’t know if I’m qualified but I’ll try my best. Maybe I’m seeming content or self-assured..I don’t know. It is nice to have your friends look at you as somebody to share their fears and secrets and worries with, believing you have been through enough that you can help them.

I also had a nice time with my mother while there. It’s an interesting relationship which really seems to have developed away from mother-son to one of friendship. I went out to the farm with her a couple of times and it was great to talk and have a few laughs. I rode one of her horses too, which was great. It was great to see her totally in her element on the farm. The horse was huuuge, frightening to ride but exciting at the same time. Bridge did very well riding him given that the horse was about 1.5x as tall as her. Also, Bridge and I blatted around on the quad bike for a while which was a lot of fun. It’s so peaceful out there, almost silent but with life happening everywhere. I found it an interesting dynamic; we often block life out (putting headphones in our ears etc) blaring music and spending our day oblivious to the amazing fact we are all living creatures. When you encounter somebody, you are encountering a living, breathing, loving creature, filled with dreams and hopes and desire. It’s too easy to fall into the trap that things are mundane, when they really are not.

So Bridge and I went for a walk down to the water with the dogs (my families German Shepards, Hammer and Tui), where we watched the estuary and the horizon on the far bank, dotted with horses. She studies Drama and Philosophy, so she indulges all my existential habits :p we talked about a lot of interesting things, and she really processes things when she thinks about them; which I imagine is the great thing of learning philosophy; you really learn to be a philosopher in your thought process. She got onto the philosophy of language, and I told her my gripe about the word “Love.” Basically, love is an arbitrary label which consumes us in relationships. People are concerned with whether their care for somebody has attained “Love”, some higher-plane. However, nobody has any idea what the qualities of this higher-plane are, so they are searching blind. It really is the most subjective interpretation of a concept which people seem to agree is objective. The worst part is you can lose a wonderful relationship over love; why did she say she loves me? Why didn’t she say she loves me? Why does it matter to me whether she did or not? Why does she care if I didn’t say it back?

The “saying it back” thing is an interesting concept, because it affirms my idea that when most people say they love you, they are offering you a contract. Now, my study of law has revealed that a contract must have two parties, and unless you say it back to them, you aren’t becoming party to the contract. Nobody is totally sure what the terms of the contract are, but people want to sign into it anyway. Human beings are creatures of corroboration; we are constantly looking for certainty. The word Love (as we know it now) helps us pretend we have certainty. It helps us believe that when we fall asleep with the person we want to be with, they won’t be gone in the morning, because they have said “I love you.”

This is, ultimately, an obvious illusion. I could say to a girl that I love her, and she could say it back, and an hour later she could say she never wants to see me again. There is nothing certain at all, least of all when it comes to other people and their emotions. I know from experience that a relationship in which you frequently say you love each other can end, and end definitively.

I want to say that this creates an  interesting question; in this case, how can you know it was love? But it’s not an interesting question at all, because its irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that it was a relationship in which two people cared about each other a lot. Trying to justify a way in which it was not love is done to try and preserve the power of the word, whereby you can keep on believing that the next time you say it, or have it said to you, the contract will this time be watertight.

Anyway, going thrift shopping now and crossing my fingers to find some jeans I can do something with, since I currently have none. I have dance tonight til around  8pm, and then I think I might be camping at Longbeach with some people I don’t really know which will be fun. The car is full of firewood so at least I might be passably warm. The last and only time I was there was with Sophie, but enough of that.

More later.

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PS. Above is a picture which I just love of a blog somebody recently introduced me to, called thathipsterporn. Most of the content is erotic art but occasionally there is something like this in there. Anyway, check it out, it’s fantastic and thoroughly arousing, sexually and thoughtfully.

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The Week That Was + stream of consciousness.

So it’s been a fair long time since I wrote anything; apologies.

I really needed to go home for a few days; things had gotten very stale, I was agitated and getting volatile. I’m starting to notice a theme in myself in which I start out contented or even extremely positive with things, but after a while the rose-tint fades rapidly. Things were getting pretty washed with black.

I ran into my old girlfriend while I was home; it was extremely awkward. Long story short, her and her sister ignored me totally, then left because they couldn’t handle being in the same venue. We were together for some time, thought we loved each other. Somewhere along the way things got toxic (but subtly so) and, obviously, we called it quits at the start of the year. We haven’t spoken since the breakup, which has been strange. Personally, it’s not that I still harbour feeling at all, I just feel that ignoring even my very civil requests (asking for stuff back/old photographs ect) has really cast a cloud over the entire memory. What was in truth a beautiful and special relationship now feels quite horrid; coming to terms with not being worth a “hi” in the cafe we saw each other….its been strange.

But that’s well in the past now, just thought it was something worth sharing. It’s done away with a lot of my naivety about “certainty”; for example, I was totally convinced that relationship was the real deal. Ultimately, nothing at all is ever certain. There’s a scariness to that, but there’s also a beauty. Your life is yours to do whatever you wish with it.

I hung out with a very good friend in Auckland; the girl who visited me in Dunedin; had a really lovely time. Missing home a bit now and hoping things are going well for her and everybody else. Subsequently, I’ve turned 22 (must remember to update my bio), and my birthday was pretty good. I don’t usually make a big deal out of birthdays, so it was convenient that a friend was having a party on the same night; got to have some fun without it being arbitrarily about me, you know? Also, I met a cool girl that night and we went on a date which was a lot of fun. Pretty sure I managed to get drunk in the evening and screw things up, but we are meeting up tomorrow so we’ll see how things go. She’s teaching me piano and with any luck on Friday taking me Salsa dancing (omfg I will die). It will be a good thing though, for me to take things less seriously.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at right now; need to write frequently to keep the flow going. Might be going camping in the next couple of weeks which will be fun. Also, been watching a lot of George Carlin so expect one million political ideas int he coming blogs.

Before his first step he’s off again.

Long time no blog; that’s how the saying goes, right?

Given the lack of substance you’re about to endure, I’d better offer something tangible. I’ve been formulating an idea for a book (so soon after I started another one….discipline = O). Roughly, it’s about eating each other; a world in which the moral abhorrence of eating people has dissipated, and some humans are actually farmed from birth in order to feed the more fortunate humans. I hope I can pull it off. I imagine it will be shocking, but hopefully good.

For the past few days I’ve had a friend visiting from back home. We’ve known each other a long time now; about 6 years. It’s a cute story, really, but I’ll save it for in person. The short version is we never met, txt’d for about a year, finally met in person, then didn’t meet again for so so long. Anyway, 6 years later we’re finally hanging out regularly and it’s just ridiculously pleasurable.

She came and stayed at our flat down south; Tom’s away so his room was free (who, incidentally, might be stuck in a North Korean labour camp atm). Initially figured we’d camp for 3 or so days but I managed to end that idea by forgetting the tent, discovered at approximately 8pm of our first night camping. The next few days was just so interesting; I can’t really remember a thing we did, but we were doing them, I know.

There are seals not in this photograph. Skilled.

Hanging out was wonderful in the most ridiculous way; I’ve always thought she was incredible but actually spending a significant period of time with her has made me realise how right I was. I feel quite liberated around her, and everything is just…good. Was so sad to see her leave but I’ll be heading back home soon enough for the Tool concert so we can catch up then. She read her way through Catcher during the weekend and we just talked and talked. It killed me, it really did.

This is seeming a sort of pointless blog entry, I know, but I guess the core is that there were moments that weekend where I was just so happy. As Holden says (not verbatim); it was real right then. As it turns out, by some weird twist of fate, she’s one of my oldest friends now. Makes me wish I was home though. I could fly home tomorrow. I wish.

Since this is going nowhere, and I’m totally exhausted, here’s something I wrote the other day for you guys to muse on, if you feel like it. It’s the closest thing to poetry that I’m capable of.

Every man has it within himself
to be born privileged
Perhaps not with a silver spoon
in his mouth, but
with a song and a fire in his heart
that as long as he
wishes it, shall never be extinguished.