Back Home.

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It feels like a long time since I’ve been here; in fact, I almost think I was avoiding Auckland a little bit.

The weather is beautiful and warm, such a welcome change from what’s been happening down south. Really, I’m having a very good time, and am very happy. Maybe it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself I’m happy, but no, I really am. Lots of friends have been calling and wanting to see me, and being very excited which is great; I’ve usually found Auckland pretty lonely since I moved away.

Went to a party last night which was nice, and some of us ended up back at my place for a drink. Met some cool people, but I have to say, I feel a totally different person to who I was when I lived here, and subsequently my old friends are very different to me now. I feel so much more open minded and accepting than I used to be, and also so much more confident in myself. I feel I have nothing to prove and no need to justify myself to anybody. It’s funny, probably every person in the room has their shit together more than me, but I felt like the only one who was truly myself and accepting of everything and everyone around me. I also really feel no fear about the future; I know it’s a mystery and I’m lost but I have no fear of failure because I view my life as something to be lived, not a means to an end.

Murphy’s law, there’s an inundation of girls who want to get together, but I really just don’t feel interested at all. My mind is still with somebody else, and I still feel that I belong to somebody else at the moment; it will fade I’m sure, but that makes me sad, too. Also, I’m just totally not into the girls up here, generally. I feel like I’ve been with somebody so totally different to these people; a girl who never wore make-up, never brushed her hair, scarcely showered, wore whatever she could find on the floor that day, and was unbelievably beautiful to me. We were the same, whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing! Having said that, it’s great to keep in touch as friends.

But anyway, enough about trivial things like that. A couple of friends and I are going to this thing tonight called the Odyssey Maze (http://odysseysensorymaze.co.nz/) which looks like it might be very cool. I love trippy/creepy things.

Walked in the beautiful sunshine for most of the day, found myself dancing in the street a lot which was great. Really….I’ve had a fucking good day. I think I needed one.

Listening to this allllll day, hope you enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEYM2iCQ6yA

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Going South.

Bluff, NZ.

Bluff, NZ.

Finally I’ve reached the very bottom of New Zealand (I lie, not quite the bottom, but close enough…)

Myself and two friends met in Invercargill at a quirky little backpackers know as Sparky’s. Decorated with the most bizarre asortment of trinkets and knick-knacks, I quickly became suspicious as to where the owner’s nickname as “Sparky” had originated form. Between his love of the notorious weed-hotspot Byron Bay, his vacant expression, collection of exotic paraphernalia, and general paranoia with everything, I formulated some idea. Whilst he seemed mostly kind and harmless, after a few days I decided things were getting weird; his belief that 9-11 was an inside job by the US Government was one thing, but threatening to kick me out for cracking my knuckles was a bit much.

The place itself was very cool and cute, with only a few rooms and a really fun vibe; it even had a spa pool out the back which was heaven in the Invercargill cold. Now that I’m writing about it, we really didn’t get up to much, but it was a good time nonetheless; played cards, drank coffee, baked cakes, got drunk in the spa. All good things.

Sparky's Lounge.

Sparky’s Lounge.

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Bedroom.

The trip to Bluff was…meh. Really, there’s very little there, and it was little more than a novelty. Still, it’s a cool thing to have done and I’m glad I had the opportunity to travel that far south. We found a really cool beach near Invercargill and endured a midwinter swim in the freezing water which was near fatal to my toes, but a welcome shock to the senses.

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A tire puncture cut the Catlins trip pretty short, so I’ll definitely have to go back some time to see more. Still, it seemed sublime, and I’m glad we got there long enough to wet my appetite for more.

So, back in Dunedin, but only temporary, tomorrow I fly home to Auckland for the first time in ages. Recently returned from Wellington with my (then) girlfriend as a goodbye trip before she went home to France, so quite a bit of moving around recently. The Wellington trip was bitter-sweet; I miss her but that’s okay, I’m still happy! We cut a pretty sorry sight crying on each other’s shoulders at the airport.

A bientot.

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Expiration Dating

Sunset from my trip back home. Worthy. The Earth’s not that big…right?

 

Another relationship-based post, and I’m sorry if they’re becoming a theme. I do know it can get a bit dull, so expect something far more interesting/creative/insertadjectivehere in the near future.

Just a little over a week ago, on my birthday, I met somebody. This was quite an exciting moment for me; it’s not that I’m “shy”, but I tend to not really initiate contact with people if I’m attracted to them. What was great is I saw her arrive at the party, wished badly I could walk up and talk to her, but I didn’t. Fortunately, she came and introduced herself later on and we spent most of the rest of the night talking.

I asked her for her number and she said yes. Score. A couple of days later, we went on a “date,” and it was good. Date is one of those stupid words which have no reason to exist; two people spending time together is exactly what it sounds like; you don’t need to slap it with a label to make the dynamic entirely unnatural. In any case, it’s been such a long time since I did anything like that, a date so to speak, that I was nervous enough as it was.

Overall we seemed to have a good time. Strikingly, she turned out to be an entirely different person to who I imagined she would be; the most notable being that she was really philosophical and thought-provoking. Needless to say, I was pretty amped.

So we’ve hung out a couple more times, totally casually which is perfect. Like I said, I think slapping labels on things completely over complicates the situation. The problem is, she’s going home really soon, and has suggested that she doesn’t really want to get into “this situation.” Oh, at this point I should probably highlight that her home is roughly twelve-thousand miles from mine. We’ve talked, and things have been relatively open and communicative, which is good. The word “dating” has been dropped a few times, to my horror; it simply makes it impossible to get to know people authentically with that hanging over the whole interaction.

So basically, I’m hoping she won’t let worries about leaving get in the way of getting to know each other, but ultimately I can see where such a fear would come from. Knowing that pretty much no matter what happens, she’ll be gone soon…it makes you think differently about things. Recently, I’ve been pretty fatalistic, so I’d still like to give things a go, whatever that “thing” may be. It’s hard though, knowing there is an expiration date on things. My flatmate had a similar experience when he exchanged to Germany, several years ago; his advice has been helpful, but ultimately I’m struggling to get the whole thing off my mind.

I could probably read into every little interaction to ridiculous depth (a bad habit of mine), but I’m trying to break that mould. What it comes down to I think is, ultimately, I’m going to get hurt either way. If she vetoes the whole thing and we don’t hang out anymore, it’s gonna suck a lot, and if we get closer and she then leaves, its going to suck a lot too (more/less depending on one’s point of view). Basically I’m on a hiding to nothing, but I know exactly which path I’d rather take.

Humans are incredibly strange creatures; how so many times we would rather miss an opportunity than take it and end up losing it. Hopefully going hiking/camping this weekend; I could really use it clear my head out.

I’ll finish you off with some music. I think I mentioned the other day, I’m getting into electronic music a lot more at the moment and this is, ironically, a duo she’s introduced me too.

The Week That Was + stream of consciousness.

So it’s been a fair long time since I wrote anything; apologies.

I really needed to go home for a few days; things had gotten very stale, I was agitated and getting volatile. I’m starting to notice a theme in myself in which I start out contented or even extremely positive with things, but after a while the rose-tint fades rapidly. Things were getting pretty washed with black.

I ran into my old girlfriend while I was home; it was extremely awkward. Long story short, her and her sister ignored me totally, then left because they couldn’t handle being in the same venue. We were together for some time, thought we loved each other. Somewhere along the way things got toxic (but subtly so) and, obviously, we called it quits at the start of the year. We haven’t spoken since the breakup, which has been strange. Personally, it’s not that I still harbour feeling at all, I just feel that ignoring even my very civil requests (asking for stuff back/old photographs ect) has really cast a cloud over the entire memory. What was in truth a beautiful and special relationship now feels quite horrid; coming to terms with not being worth a “hi” in the cafe we saw each other….its been strange.

But that’s well in the past now, just thought it was something worth sharing. It’s done away with a lot of my naivety about “certainty”; for example, I was totally convinced that relationship was the real deal. Ultimately, nothing at all is ever certain. There’s a scariness to that, but there’s also a beauty. Your life is yours to do whatever you wish with it.

I hung out with a very good friend in Auckland; the girl who visited me in Dunedin; had a really lovely time. Missing home a bit now and hoping things are going well for her and everybody else. Subsequently, I’ve turned 22 (must remember to update my bio), and my birthday was pretty good. I don’t usually make a big deal out of birthdays, so it was convenient that a friend was having a party on the same night; got to have some fun without it being arbitrarily about me, you know? Also, I met a cool girl that night and we went on a date which was a lot of fun. Pretty sure I managed to get drunk in the evening and screw things up, but we are meeting up tomorrow so we’ll see how things go. She’s teaching me piano and with any luck on Friday taking me Salsa dancing (omfg I will die). It will be a good thing though, for me to take things less seriously.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at right now; need to write frequently to keep the flow going. Might be going camping in the next couple of weeks which will be fun. Also, been watching a lot of George Carlin so expect one million political ideas int he coming blogs.

A feeling of helplessness.

The worst thing about the past five or six years has been watching everybody around me struggle and not being able to do a fucking thing about it.

Up until a couple of months ago, I’d been in a relationship that had lasted about five years. Just how much I had changed and adapted to suit this girl seems scary now, in the cold light of day. But I’m not here to talk about that story, rather about how the most difficult part of our being together was her semi-constant unhappiness and me feeling totally powerless to change it. I blamed myself so much, even when it wasn’t me that was causing it; at points, I was a young, inexperienced teen, and all I could think was, “If I were better she’d be happy, right?”

But I was wrong, and sometimes there just is nothing you can “do” to fix things for people. It’s just the most terrible, hollowing realisation, but it’s true. I’m a person who really champion’s the people I love; i fight for them, defend them, protect them, and to use a beautiful lyric from Trampled by Turtles, “Their enemies are mine.”

However, I’m very much realising that while this sort of love and loyalty is a valuable thing, it also sets you on an emotional hiding to nothing. Right now I have a friend enduring the sort of thing that just makes me wish a flood would wipe humans off the planet; total brutalising injustice. I just want to be able to do something for her to make it better, to somehow fix things, but I can’t, and anything I say or do falls so wildly short of the mark that it verges on insulting the seriousness of what she’s feeling.

I talked to somebody about this feeling of helplessness and got pretty much exactly the advice I expected, “Just be there for them.” How exactly you can “be there” for someone is really a circular idea if you can’t help them when you know they need it. Anything you say is irrelevant and useless and it just fucking tears you up inside that you’re not good enough to make things better.

For self-preservation, I’d like to say to everybody in my life who I love, whether you know I do or not, that I’m thinking about you all the time, and if I could bear it all for you, it would already be done.

Anyway, that’s what’s crept back into my mind in the last couple of days. I wonder if it’s just me.

On a different note, I got my lip pierced. Neat-o.